That little voice inside

What happens when we don’t feel safe, even when we think we should?

I was recently asked if I have many clients who feel unsafe. After thinking about it, I realised that actually, most of my clients feel unsafe in someway. It might be they don’t trust their own judgement, or because they feel unsafe in their own relationships, at work, in their personal lives, in their body, or even their own mind. That lack of feeling safe, can leave us incredibly vulnerable.

Psychologically I can see why this has such an impact. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs places safety immediately after our basic physiological needs such as food, and sleep. The premise is that when our more fundamental needs are not met, it is harder to focus  thongs such as have self esteem, and personal growth.

Safety takes so many forms. We continually hear about unsafe places, being unsafe online, and things we should be do to keep ourselves safe. But these are often practical or physical safety, and being safe doesn’t automatically translate to feeling safe.

Sometimes we feel unsafe because something inside us is alert danger, even if we cant see what the danger is. Sometimes, the thing we don’t feel safe with is ourselves.

I recently found myself in an ongoing situation where I became very aware that I didn’t feel safe. I told myself it was in my head. I wasn’t in any danger. Nothing was going to happen to me. But that absence of feeling safe was so strong.

I reached out to my own therapist in a hope, that she would fix it.

She didn’t.

She is a wonderful therapist, but she couldn’t make me feel safe. Instead she helped me question, why I was not listening to myself. That feeling was telling me something and I was ignoring it. I was powering through, because I needed to succeed in what I am doing.

But at what cost?

My own feeling of safety!

Maybe what I was doing didn’t feel safe for a reason and deep down I knew that.

Trauma can complicate this issue further. A response that may have been there initially to protect us when we were in danger can become hyper vigilant  and remain on alert even when the danger has passed. Our mind and body continue preparing for the possibility of the danger returning.

For many of my clients, part of my role is simply to help them hear themselves.

If they don’t feel safe, why is that?

Is there a need that hasn’t been met? Is a defence mechanism that once protected them but perhaps no longer serves them, and they haven’t had the opportunity to understand why it is there? Or is something within asking them to be cautious because something genuinely doesn’t feel right?

This is why the relationship between a client and counsellor is so important.

Therapy asks people to be vulnerable. But how can I, or any therapist, expect someone to explore vulnerable and frightening parts of themselves if they don’t feel safe enough with me, in our relationship? They need to know they can trust me to stay alongside them if they choose to explore somewhere that feels unsafe.   

I feel incredibly privileged that people allow me to be with them in those spaces. That they trust me enough to be vulnerable, uncertain and raw. Facing difficult feeling and emotions can be so hard and I am continually struck by the courage it takes for clients to expose those vulnerable parts.

It is often where personal growth can happen.

But it is rarely easy.

Feeling safe is not about never feeling afraid, its about learning to listen when something inside us says “this doesn’t feel safe”