Why Starting Counselling Feels Scary (and What to Expect)

Most people don’t arrive at counselling confident and knowing where to start. For most people there is a lot of uncertainty; unsure where to begin, unsure what to expect, unsure how it even works.

You walk into a room (or log into a video chat) with someone you only spoken to once on the phone, sit down and your expected to start…

Start what?

The sheer thought of taking that seat can be enough to put people off seeking support altogether.

Feeling unsure where to start

I remember my own first counselling session during training. I was greet by this tall glamorous woman,  in this beautiful Georgian building. We sat in small bucket chairs with this little coffee table between us. She was lovely, and yet I still felt intimidated.

I cant even remember how she started. What I remember is rambling. I talked about my “issues”, my dad, my work and pretty much anything that popped into my head at that moment. I felt so uncomfortable and so uncertain, with a strong urge to explain myself and apologise.

As a counsellor, I often notice a real difference between the first session and those that follow. Some clients are carrying so much that everything pours out at once, with no time to explore, which can feel overwhelming. Others feel unsure where to begin or how to put it into words.

I tend to think of first sessions as the warm up. You’re easing in, stretching and getting a feel for the space. There is no right way to be. As a person centred counsellor I always follow the lead of the person sitting in front of me. If you need to offload everything thats ok. If you need to take your time and tread softly, thats ok too.   

Showing up as you are

You don’t need to know what to do, you are not expected to know what is required. You just have to be you, whether thats nervous, confident, shy or eager none are wrong. Its the role of the counsellor to meet you where you are emotionally.

You don’t need to know what to say or how to say it. Finding the words was always something I struggled with when I was being counselled. I had a great counsellor who used a lot of visual metaphors (she also acted out analogies which I loved-i can picture her now putting on her metaphorical wellies) which helped when I could verbalise how I felt, sometimes its just this raw feeling and you can’t get over what it is in words but having what you say reflected back gives you that clarity and understanding. Its role of a counsellor to help you find the words and clarity.

There are sessions where you don’t know what you want to bring-thats fine. Sometimes talking about you day, where you have been or interactions you have had gives a perfect starting point. If something is heavy on you its shows up. Talking about the annoying shop assistant can tap into various feelings which will lead to other incidents and enable you to explore being spoken to in a particular way or how people make you feel. Everyday life will give the springboard for exploration.

The counselling process

Talking things through with someone trained to listen can help you make sense of how you are feeling, what is going on and what you want. As a counsellors I don’t advise, I do not analysis and I don’t judge. I accept you, your feelings and experiences so that I can support you to understand, accept yourself and gain clarity Something that I was never told and something that surprise clients is how much happens outside of the counselling room.  Leaving a heavy session often ruminates in your head for the following days. You process in-between sessions, something you see or do may trigger a thought that connects to something in the session. Counselling starts that process of self reflection and joining dots.

Sessions are there to explore what is going on focusing on the issue you choose. The more you begin to understand yourself the easier you can join the dots, see patterns and explore motivations, what drives and what triggers you. Acceptance is the goal-if you can accept how you are you can change. You can’t fix a car if you don’t understand how the engine works.

It perfectly normal to feel nervous about doing something new, especially when it matters. You don’t have to be sure. You don’t have to know what you want. You just need to be you and trust yourself