The weight of “Should”
A few months ago I was struggling to motivate myself to write blogs regularly, so I signed up for a program that helps with writing a monthly blog.
It was great. Each month she sends a framework and a topic, and you use the framework to build a blog using your ideas and your voice. It was perfect. The email arrives the first Monday of every month and away I go.
Easy.
This month, however, I read the topic and thought, bleh. I opened it to start and thought bleh, then put it away. I came back later and thought, bleh again.
Then I started beating myself up about it.
I should write a blog regularly.
I should use this framework that I’ve subscribed to.
I should just get on with it.
Then I realised the problem. There was one word that summed up all the issues I was having with this blog: should.
It’s such a loaded word. I hear it so often in counselling sessions, and I’ve used it myself in therapy. The word “should” carries expectations, obligations and a sense that something must be done regardless of how you actually feel about it.
I should go for that promotion
I should be my mum’s carer
I should go to university
I should spend more time with my children
I should loose weight
All these “should’s” can become weights that we carry. They often reflect what we ought to want, rather than what we genuinely want.
I remember sitting with my first counsellor, telling her about my relationship with my dad and how I should make an effort. No matter how many times she asked or rephrased it, my answer remained the same “I should make an effort”.
The answer never changed because it was rooted entirely in obligation and not genuine desire.
Sometimes these obligations weigh so heavily and cloud our judgement so much that don’t hear ourselves saying “I don’t want this”.
Of course we all do things we don’t want to do. Thats part of life. But it’s important we know why we are doing them.
I have sat with many grieving clients who tell themselves they “should be over it” or that they “should move on”.
Why?
It’s their pain. Their loved one. Their loss.
It’s not about anyone else.
They are free to grieve in whatever way feels right for them, without carrying the expectations of society and other people. This idea that grief should end after a year, or that we should bounce back, can be incredibly unhelpful.
The same is true of the expectations we feel from family and friends when it comes to contact, careers, education and life goals.
Most families simply want us to be happy. Yet that message gets lost as we hear (sometimes accurately, sometimes through our own assumptions) what we think we should be doing.
Once that obligation is established, it can be difficult to separate what we want from what we believe is expected of us.
If we understand what we genuinely want, we can decide whether it aligns with this expectations, whether we’re happy to go along with them or whether we want something different.
Sometime the “should’s” are so loud we can’t hear ourselves at all.
That’s why self reflection is so important, whether it happens in counselling or simply taking time to check in with ourselves. We need to hear what we want and what we need.
By acknowledging what we really want, we can be more honest with ourselves and possibly with others.
We may still choose to do what we think we should do, but at least we have asked ourselves why.
I spent years reflecting on my relationship with my dad and understanding how I felt about it. That process has allowed me to have a relationship with him on my terms, one that satisfies the “should” while respecting my boundaries and not asking me to give more than I genuinely want to.
So back to the blog topic.
As soon as I realised that I was telling myself that I should write a blog and should use the framework, I realised that I didn’t need to.
Then quite randomly I then thought “Maybe I could write a blog about all the times we tell ourselves we should”. So the framework did still inspire just not as intended but
So the framework still inspired me; just not the way it was intended.
My aim is to write a blog so
Mission accomplished.